The Devil's Advocate

Christians Make Sound Investments

Victor — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 19:53:42 +0000

Some of you may remember back in 2004, a grilled cheese sandwich with an “image” of the Virgin Mary burned into the bread was sold on eBay for $28,000. But did you know that’s not the only Virgin Mother paraphernalia on the popular online trading website. There’s also:
1. Antique mahogany veneer dresser with image of virgin Mary appearing in the wood grain on front. $1,800
2.The Madonna Image in Unusual Oyster Shell. $15.50
3.Virgin Mary tear swab. $4.99
Just a few examples there. I don’t even understand that last one. There are some instances where Mary and Jesus make appearances but no one makes a big deal about it. Did anyone notice the poster ads for the movie The Passion of the Christ? He’s all over those posters, but none of them are put on eBay.

But I’m pretty sure that all of this is why we were subjected to eight years of Bush Jr. Because Jesus and Mary are all about the capitalism. But maybe she should stick to sandwiches. She’s obviously getting a bigger cut there. What is 15% of $28,000? What everyone, also, may not know is that all of the proceeds she makes off of her face goes to the Republican Party Election Fund. That way she can stop those dirty gays from commencing in anal sex and doing their taxes together.

Out You Demon!

Victor — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:09:26 +0000

(AHH-CHOO!!!) What do you say to that? God bless you? Why, on Earth, would you do that?!

The Power of Christ Compels You!

The reason for it cannot be pin-pointed, but the practice of it dates back to 77 A.D. One theory says the “blessing” is to ensure the soul remains with the body since (it was believed) the heart stops during a sneeze. Another theory suggests that a sneeze is an attempt to “exercise an evil spirit from the body.”

Today we know that a sneeze is nothing more than a reaction to foreign particles irritating the nasal mucosa. A slightly less exciting event than partial demonic possession. We still, however, use “bless you” as a social response. Well, most of us.

A close friend of mine decided to consciously avoid the phrase when his son was born. Rather, he’s embraced the German “Gesundheit.” Loosely translated, it means “good health.” That seems a much more appropriate response.

I guess it’s become just a social habit to say “God bless you.” But a bad habit at that. While the origins of “God bless you”-ing sneezes isn’t known, I think it was just a marketing strategy by the church… maybe the first ever viral marketing campaign. (Pun intended)

Let’s Give Thanks

Victor — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:07:54 +0000

This was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings I can remember. I feel like, as a whole, my family has grown more cynical of religion as time has passed; all except one. My aunt became a Born-Again several years ago. We still all say the classic Christian grace before large family meals, more out of tradition than anything else. On Thanksgiving however, my aunt had the “children” go around the table and read a section of a prayer I was not familiar with. This is when it got fun. My cousins read first; each more reluctant that the one before, one went so far as to refuse because he “doesn’t read fiction.” My sister being an outspoken atheist, was intentionally skipped. My brother respectfully declined to participate. Being a team player, I agreed to finish the prayer.

During this entire scene, a discernable rumble began to rise from the table. That rumble grew to a recognizably subdued giggling, and eventually to an uncontrolled roar of laughter from almost everyone at the table. People had to sip from their cocktails and wine just to struggle to maintain composure. We all love our aunt (mother/grandmother in some cases). And I think we loved her even more for this. We typically take a live and let live attitude towards religion in our family (a very Buddhist concept), but she can really pile it on sometimes. She’s become the drunk guy you hope shows up to the bar because he tells the craziest stories. Is that disrespectful? I hope not, because I know she means well… but so did the captain of the Titanic.

God Plans A-ccordingly

courtney218 — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:09:37 +0000

The post below somehow neglects to mention that the world He created had become completely immoral. Genesis 6:5 states that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil all the time. How do you handle people when every inclination of their thoughts is pure evil? Today the equivalent is jail for life or the death penalty for the murderer and rapist. Does that mean that our society commits an “abortion” every time we put that child rapist to death or the mass murderer of military soldiers on our own soil to death? God had the same situation regarding the flood, only with an entire society; an evil and violence so large that we cannot comprehend. There is a point where people have turned from God so long and so completely, mock His Word and His Way, and disregard the beauty of His commandments- this evil is irreversible and punishment is the only answer. While of course it is truly politically incorrect, can we ponder for a second the thought of the ultimate punishment, eternally burning. What if God’s Word and all those crazy Christians are right?

There also is Noah and his family in this story that you somehow ignore. Noah was a righteous man, blameless and he walked with God. Very simply – God will reward obedience to His Word.

You also neglect to mention that Genesis 6:6 says “The Lord was grieved …and his heart was filled with pain.” Yes, just like fathers and mothers today, disobedient children cause pain and grief, both to themselves and those who love them. Children who reject the right and wrong that God teaches suffer the consequences of their actions.

How do you not tell the end of the story? God promises a beautiful covenant symbolized by the rainbow. After Noah thanked God when they found dry land, God promised that never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. He set the rainbow in the sky to remind everyone of this covenant to uphold life and goodness.

It always amazes me, how some people can spin a story. Let’s write to a Muslim audience regarding Allah in the same tone as the second “abortion” story. Seems to me the writer would then be considered an infidel

God’s Universal Health Care Covers Plan B

Victor — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:19:25 +0000

Here’s a theory that I would like to posit to the conservatives that believe the Bible should dictate our national policies: God (the Christian-God, The Old AND New Testament Guy, Captain Big Beard) is Pro-Choice. There are two cases in the Bible that bring me to this conclusion.

Planned Parenthood clinic?!

Case #1 Old Testament proof: The Great Flood. Once upon a time, God created life. At first he embraced the ideal of being a father, then he began to realize how ungrateful children can be, how they can ruin everything you own, how they can destroy your social life. Then, roughly 5000 years ago, God had second thoughts about being a father. And, in one of the latest of late-term abortions, God ended the life he created.

And you thought dilatation & evacuation was cruel.

Case #2 New Testament: Jesus… pretty obvious here. Once again, God decides to be a father; this time having only one Child rather than a litter of a few million people. And in the Greatest Dick Move of All Time: He conceived Jesus for the sole purpose of aborting Him!!! Say what you will about it being necessary for the “Harrowing of Hell,” but keep in mind that using the term “necessary” puts a statute of limitations on God. So after allowing his kid to wander the world for some ~33 years, God said “Ok Son, you have to go.” Like a modern-day death row warden, He allows him a last meal (bread and wine, good choice). Jesus then pleads for His life to His Father on more than one occasion, each time saying “Your will be done.” And His will was carried out. No more responsibilities of a child born out-of-wedlock (a post for a different day).

God – 2, Pro Life Action League – 0

The Beauty of a Sunset

courtney218 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:08:11 +0000

I find the most beautiful thing in the world to be a sunset. The intense red, orange, and purple hues make for a beautiful picture. I often catch myself wondering how the sky could change so drastically from baby blue, to transforming into this striking array of colors. Seeing God’s creation of a sunset seems to make all of my problems disappear for a minute. I feel comforted when in the presence of a sunset; its beauty is overpowering. How could something like this just have spontaneously happened? There is so much detail in this world that I find it hard to believe that a big bang happened and suddenly molecules came together and created the Earth. Just like someone who does not believe in creation would have a hard time believing that God created the universe in seven days. I look at the sunset and think, no way, there is definitely something greater that has created all of this. The sun disappearing below the horizon as a result of the Earth’s rotation did not just spontaneously happen; God has meticulously configured the Earth to function in this manner. Sunsets are a reminder to me that there is something up there, keeping watch over me, which is comforting. He has bigger plans for me, and all my stress and worries disappear with that thought. The desktop on my laptop is this picture of the sunset, which I took 3 years ago in Florida. Every time I power up my laptop, this picture pops up. It never fails to put a smile on my face. How could someone not like a sunset?

Henry VIII Should Have an Expiration Date

Victor — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:01:48 +0000

I realize that I have been singling out Christianity so far; this hasn’t been my intention. So I’m going to change gears for a moment. I just realized that the Church of England was still in existence. What?! I have absolutely nothing nice to say about the Anglican Faith… so I’m going to let this guy do it for me. (by the way he’s a transvestite, which makes it a lot funnier)

A New, New Jersey

Victor — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:39:11 +0000

I woke this morning to some horrible news. Apparently Chris Christie has won the governorship of New Jersey. I realize that incumbant John Corzine did a masterful job of destroying New Jersey’s budget over the last 4+ years. But Christie?! Really?! I just don’t understand how a progressive, liberal state such as Jersey could elect someone as conservative as him. This man is on record as saying he makes his decisions based on his faith. He has said that he will veto any pro-choice, stem-cell research, or same-sex marriage proposals that come across his desk. I’m just very disheartened that my state’s moral decisions for the next 4 years have already been determined by a book written before our country was even founded. To me it would make as much sense to elect someone who would run our state around the edicts of Scientology or the Greco-Roman Pantheon.

Prayer in Sports (Part 2)

courtney218 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:13:32 +0000

During the World Series games I have also noticed gestures being made to God. Not bad gestures, but gestures entailing that the athlete was thanking Him for something. Ryan Howard is one player I noticed who does this gesture a lot. After he gets a homerun, he closes both fists, points his index finger to the sky, looks up, and kisses his fists. This is Ryan thanking God, or any higher being, for giving his skills to accomplish that homerun. Even if Ryan is not a Christian, he is implying that he did not accomplish this all on his own. By this gesture, he is also acknowledging that there is a higher being up there (or somewhere) who has given him his good health in order to be able to stand at the plate, look the pitcher in the eye, and smack that ball out of the ballpark. This goes into creationism – that God or a “higher being” has created him to function and that Howard is fortunate enough to function and do those great things.

God has created Ryan Howard with amazing gifts. He has 45 homeruns and 141 RBIs this year. Howard is telling his fans, and everyone who is watching him play that this is not all his doing. God has a lot to do with sports. There is no divine intervention or sacrificing involved, which today Christians do not participate in anyway, so unless the sport is being played back in Old Testament times …

When an athlete thanks God for a victory, they are simply giving thanks and rejoicing in their accomplishment. God is omniscient and omnipotent, and he does know who is going to win the game even before they step on the field. God does favor those who keep his Word and obey Him, so in those terms, He does choose “sides”. This goes into free will, which every person was created with. Without free will, we would all be robots. We have free will in order to make our own decisions, whether it be to hit a homerun, or hit your dog because you’re angry.

Philippians 4:4-7 says, “ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Prayer in Sports

Victor — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:10:06 +0000

Last night was the opening game of the World Series. Late in the game, the camera panned the crowd and I noticed a woman slightly rocking with her hands folded in prayer. I can’t help but wonder: What on Earth could she have been asking for?”

Pele 3:16 Jesus is my goalkeeper, I shall not want

What does God have to with sports? Nothing! He has nothing to do with it. Even if you could invoke divine intervention into sports, wouldn’t there have to be some sacrifice involved? I mean hardcore, Old Testament sacrifices… somewhere between prized calf or first-borne son.

Even going the other way, when a person thanks God for carrying his team to victory, what does that say about the other team? (HERETICS! PAGANS! ) Really?! By saying that, the athlete is implying that God favors his team over the other; that God actually chooses sides. What?! Does that make sense to anyone?